Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Raising the Bar # 5: I Love You?

More and more I am finding that couples are telling each other "I love you," before they even know who each other are!!  What's up with that?

When you tell somebody that you love them it emotionally disarms you.  It manipulates your emotions.  It makes you think that you are destined to be with this person, no matter how awful for one another you actually are. It makes you think that this person is the "one," when really your relationship should actually be DONE.

It would be impossible to know somebody well enough to be able to say "I am in love with you," in 3 weeks, probably even 3 months!   I think it is important that men guard the hearts of our sister's in Christ and we help them do this by not manipulating their emotions.  One of the ways men can do that is by NOT jumping the gun on the words "I love you."

One of the things a girl wants more than anything in the world is to be loved, to hear the words, "I love you,"  they will do virtually anything to hear this from a man they care for, and will do anything for a man that they claim to love, including make excuses for him.

One of the dangers that comes from saying "I love you" too soon is that it causes you to make excuses for somebody based on who you thought they were when you said "I love you" for the first time.  The fact of the matter is, this person was probably being on their "best behavior."  The more time you spend with somebody, the more their guard goes down, and the more they begin to behave like their true selves.  It is not uncommon for guys to be great boyfriends in the first few months, but to be incredibly awful, lazy and controlling boyfriends as time goes on.  A lot of immature guys stop trying once they hear a girl say "I love you" for the first time.  When a guy knows a girl loves him, he knows he can get away with almost anything and that she "wont be going anywhere."  This is absolutely inexcusable.

Ladies, don't say I love you too soon.  Make sure he knows that your heart is something that he is going to have to work for, because if you give it to him too soon, he is not going to appreciate it, or cherish it.  Too many girls are giving their hearts away to guys that are pretending to be great guys just to have a girlfriend, and this needs to stop.  You are a prize, you deserve to be cherished, and you deserve to be worked for.  Don't think that if you make a guy work for your heart that you are going to lose him because a good godly man is going to meet the challenge with grace.  The Bible says in Genesis 29:20, that Jacob worked to be Rachel's husband for 7 years, but those 7 years seemed like only a few days.  We know that Jacob eventually worked 14 years for her heart.  These 14 years seemed like nothing to him, because he loved her so much.  When a man is pursuing you from a biblical perspective, as a daughter of God that deserves to be cherished, no matter how long you make him wait to hear those magic words, it should only feel like a "few days." You are worth the effort, you are worth the work.  Don't sell your selves short. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Raising the Bar #4: Marriage? The goal or the hope?

A lot of Christian couples enter into a dating relationship with the intent of eventually marrying the person they are dating.  Dating for the intent of marriage is something that I find no real problem with, but when a couple decides that marriage is the goal, and not the hope of the relationship, problems will almost always arise.

What does it mean for marriage to be the "hope," of the relationship?  Through my analysis of young love, I have discovered that when marriage is not viewed as a guaranteed outcome of the relationship, it causes the couple to proceed with much more caution, especially in the area of creating boundaries.  When marriage is the "hope," of the relationship, it changes the couples mentality, and it almost always leads to the couple having stricter boundaries.

When marriage is the "goal," that is when problems usually arise.  When a couple enters into a relationship with the understanding that they are going to eventually get married, they start acting like a married couple.  Men in these situations will most likely allow the relationship to develop at such an incredibly fast rate that the couple is usually "in love," before they know anything about each other. When you convince yourself that you are going to marry somebody, couples stay together longer than they should, and make compromises that they should not make in order to "keep the magic alive." 

Another danger of having marriage as the "goal," is that the couple is usually much more likely to make compromises sexually.  When marriage is the goal, and the relationship is growing at fast rate, it is no wonder that people become more likely to make sexual compromises.  Relationships develop in three major areas: Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual.  These 3 aspects of relationships must grow at a similar rate, because they work like a three-cord rope.  If somebody tried to pull two of the cords of that rope, but leave the other one behind, that rope is going to become damaged, and torn.  The cord that gets left behind is going to be desperate to catch up to the other two cords.  So, if a couple is experiencing an intense level of emotional and spiritual closeness, the relationship is going to desire that same level of intensity physically.

When the couple has the understanding that they are "going to get married anyway," this becomes a justification to sin sexually.  I cannot tell you how many couples I know that have sexually sinned and justified it by saying that they were going to be "getting married any way."  This is manipulation at its finest.  When a man begins to say to a woman that it is okay for him and his girlfriend to have sex because they are going to get married anyway, he is not actively demonstrating love to his girlfriend.  Love is patient.  Love is not self-seeking.  If a man allows for sexual sin to happen, he has stopped loving his girlfriend in that moment.  To love somebody with a Christ-like love is to help them grow towards holiness, not manipulate them towards sin.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Raising the Bar # 3.5: Signs you are being led on

1. If a guy is serious about you, chances are he won't be able to wait to have the DTR (Define the relationship) with you.  If a guy is spending a significant amount of his time talking to you, and hanging out with you, but hasn't had a conversation with you where he explains his intentions, chances are you are being led on. 

2.  If you spend a majority of your time "texting," but very little time actually SEEING each other chances are the guy isn't really serious about you.  If a guy is interested, he will be intentional about spending time with you. 

3.   If you find yourself initiating a lot of the conversations, chances are hes just not that into you.  MAKE HIM PURSUE YOU.

4.  To find out if a guy is serious about you, see if he will introduce you to his friends.  If he seems to have a problem with it, there is probably something going on that he isn't telling you.

5.  If a guy is serious about you he should find opportunities to serve you.  Any guy that says he is interested in you, but doesn't find ways that he can serve you, is most likely either a complete joke, or isn't that interested in you.

This needs to be redone, and added onto.  I'll revisit this later, but I felt like I couldn't write about guys "playing the field," without letting you girls know some of the major signs that you are dating a guy that is most likely, "playing the field." 

Raising the Bar #3: Playing the Field

So I've been talking to a lot of women lately, and the most popular topic of conversation has been how much it sucks for a girl to be led on by a guy.

The idea of "playing the field" may seem harmless to most guys, but the truth is, "playing the field," can have really negative effects on the women we "pursue."  What most guys view as harmless fun, is no fun at all.  Something a lot of guys do is go on dates with several women at once.  The primary issue with this is that these guys are not open with these women about these circumstances.  Many of these women think they are the only girl that the guy is interested in.  When this happens it causes girls to get way more emotionally attached than the guy ever intended.

Men in these situations often times put the blame on the girl, and will call her clingy and crazy, but this is not the case at all.  The truth is, she is acting as any normal woman would when she believes a guy that she is interested in is also interested in her. 

Am I saying that going on dates with multiple women at once is completely wrong?  NO!  Now, personally I would never do that, but I believe that the moment you express to a woman that you are interested in her romantically, or you could potentially see the two of you being more than friends, it is your obligation and duty as man of God to do everything you can to guard her heart after that moment.  That means, no longer playing the field, no longer flirting with other girls, and being honest with her about how you feel about her.  Whether guys want to admit it or not, the moment we tell a woman that we are interested in her, the moment we start letting her monopolize our time, and the moment we start texting her ALL THE TIME, she has already started to give her heart to us.

As men of God, it is careless and irresponsible for us to allow this to happen if we are "playing the field."  Our sisters in Christ are supposed to be able to trust us to protect their hearts, not string it around like a yo-yo.  If you tell a girl you like her, than like her, and only her.  Let her know when its not working out.  Don't wait around for the next best thing, because the damage you are going to do to that poor girl's heart while you are waiting will not be worth it.  Will she get over it?  Probably!!  But is that fair? NO!!! Be a man.  Don't lead her on.  She's worth more than that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Raising the Bar #2

While walking through Demoss Hall yesterday, I overheard a conversation between a guy and his girlfriend. For the sake of this blog, let’s refer to said guy as ‘cowardly man.’

Cowardly Man’s Girlfriend: Why didn’t you hold the door for me?
Cowardly Man: Why would I hold the door open for you when you’re being mean to me?

I walked away before I heard the rest of this conversation; had I lingered, Cowardly Man would have been told this, but I'm glad I didn't speak up because I honestly do not think he could handle the truth that I am about to share. 

Men, more and more this idea of ‘earning love’ and ‘deserving chivalry’ is taking over our nation; I encourage you to guard your heart and mind against it. If the love we offer to our significant other is contingent on whether or not she is kind to us, than WE HAVE COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT.

Men, one of the things we are telling a woman when we say we love her is, "I promise to do whatever I can do to serve you and be kind to you even when you are, mean to me." For a man to do anything else is cowardly and immature. In fact, it is the opposite of masculinity.

I am appalled and frankly frightened to note that the conversation I overheard yesterday is a conversation I overhear frequently. It strips love of the unconditional quality Jesus demonstrated to us. It robs chivalry of its masculinity, turning it into a reward system for good behavior.
Now, to the woman reading this blog with great zeal, keep reading before you shout an ‘amen.’ Do I think that men’s call to love unconditionally is warrant for women to be shrews? By no means! Men cherish respect and thrive off receiving it from their significant others.

However, I will make the argument that as Christ-like men, we are called to do everything in our power to serve the women in our lives—making them feel cherished whether or not we think they deserve it at the moment. When your girlfriend/wife is being mean to you, the natural response is to be mean back. But that is not what manhood is about! In fact, doing so makes you a child. Christian Men are called to do what’s right in the face of adversity—even when that adversity comes in form of your girlfriend. We are called to take a stand and be different than the rest of this world. This includes the way that we treat the women in our lives.

Raising the Bar

In this blog we are going to talk a lot about Biblical manhood, and what it looks like to treat our sisters in Christ the way that God intended us to. This blog is going to talk about things that will make a lot of guys uncomfortable. This blog is going to make a lot of men angry, and a lot of men will feel attacked. The reason why this blog must be written though is this: Satan wants nothing more than for Christian men to behave like little boys, and for those little boys to marry incredibly Godly women, and RUIN those women's lives.

My sisters, I love you entirely too much to allow for this to happen. I refuse to let you settle for less than what God intended for you. Every single one of you are precious gems that deserve to be honored, cherished and adored. Many of you are more than willing to settle for less than this because you feel lonely or insecure, but I beg you, DO NOT SETTLE for the cowards that will tell you sweet things to make you trust them and then SLACK OFF and treat you like less than the precious princess that you are. You are a daughter of the KING OF KINGS, this makes you a princess. A princess does not beg to be treated correctly, she does not beg for attention, rather it is expected. There are a handful of guys that know what right looks like, and will actually do more than fill the void of loneliness in your life. The hope of this blog is to change that handful of men that know what right looks like into a plethora of men.